Lincoln Avenue
by Archway
Summary: Remus realizes that he cannot breathe, and attempts to remedy that situation with dire consequences.


**Lincoln Avenue **

**The Story of Remus Lupin without Sirius Black **

**Song By Train **

**Story By Archway, aka Soulfull Ishida**

Author's Notes and Notations: Considering that I've been swamped with homework, band practice, and French and Math club, I'm surprised I got this done so quickly. Now, if only I could finish the rest of my stories this fast ^_^. This story has **major OotP spoilers**. For all you slowpokes out there who still haven't finished it yet (I'm already on my seventh time through), then I suggest you either turn back or brace yourself for major plot giveaways. Another warning: This fic o' mine **contains homosexual content**. Yes, that means two men are in love with each other. Beware all ye homophobes – consider yourself warned. Thirdly, when Remus and Dumbledore are having their little...convo at Rem's flat, any phrases in italics are taken from Order of the Phoenix, Chapter Thirty-Seven: The Lost Prophecy, pages 823-824. 

Any information on Romania I got from my friend Chika, so if it's wrong blame her, then correct me ^_^*. Also, I didn't put the entire song in – if you want to hear the whole thing, buy Train's C.D. _My Private Nation_. It's really good! And remember to review! 

Enjoy the Remus angst, all! 

_Well I guess this is where I left my life _

_And all its operations _

_And I know I will never get this twice _

_With all negotiations…_

Romania, Remus decided, was hell. 

He stumbled into his flat around 3:29 a.m. the night before full moon after three weeks in that flat, barren land, his mission unsuccessful. From a Muggle perspective, any mission in Romania would have been worthless like the land itself, filled with Middle Easterners who worshipped trees because there weren't any in the country. However, Dumbledore had informed the Order that the largest minority group in the area was werewolves, and Snape said that Voldemort was planning to convince the oppressed wolves to join his side, which would nearly double his current strength. Dumbledore had requested that someone go and try to keep this from happening; hopefully, they would join the Light, but for them to remain neutral would be fine. Bill had offered to go, but Remus overrode his request. After all, oppressed werewolves weren't likely to take to wizards, and Bill could end up getting bitten or killed. The Order agreed with this whole-heartedly, with Moody adding how, by them showing the Romanian wolves a werewolf that had a wand on top of rights, they would be more likely to believe that they would be able to attain those things if they sided with Dumbledore. 

So, Remus was shipped off to Romania the next day to speak with the alpha wolf of the main clan, named Alif Alpha (it was custom for clan leaders to replace their surname with their position). The Order was in for quite the surprise when they found out that Voldemort had already taken over the Romanian wolves, and a trap had been set up for Remus. After spending four days in a dank cell with only some unmerciful Death Eaters for company, Kingsley and Bill managed to break him out and get him back to Grimmauld Place. In other words, the mission had been a complete failure; Voldemort had the Romanian werewolves under his control, and he also knew that someone on his side was leaking information to the Order. Remus, Snape had discovered during an emergency Death Eater meeting, was now a top priority on the Dark Lord's hit list. 

Finally, Dumbledore had decided that Remus was well enough to Apparate back to his flat in the outskirts of London. He arrived home at 3:29, and by 3:43, he had changed into a sweater whose sleeves went past his fingers and corduroys that dragged on the floor, his most comfortable outfit and Sirius's favorite. A cup of tea – Darjeeling, also a favorite of Sirius's – was being cradled in his hands, a fire was crackling in front of him; if it wasn't for the fact that he had uncomfortable bandages wrapped around his torso, back, and arms, and that Sirius wasn't there to compliment Remus's clothes and drink some tea, then it would have been perfect. 

The teacup shook in Remus's hands as he thought of Sirius, _his_ Sirius, sitting across from him, holding him after the full moon, saving him from the clutches of the Death Eaters (for surely he would have been there after the first day Remus didn't contact the Order as he planned), falling through the curtain and leaving him so very, very alone… 

**Crash.**

Shards of the cup flew into the fire when Remus threw them, slashing his palms open without him caring. He was shaking, clutching at himself as his hoping that eventually he would feel Sirius's warm, calloused hands holding him from behind. He had to stop thinking of him, he had to remove Sirius from his head or he would loose his mind. But, _God_, how do you erase from your memory the only man you have ever loved? 

_This feels like the place between what is and what might have been _

_So I guess this is where we both find out _

_If this was meant to be…_

A knock on the door made Remus realize his disheveled appearance. With a wave of his wand, the bloodstains on his shirt were removed, and some tissues were quickly tied to his palms to stop the bleeding. He crossed the living room and opened the door. 

"Professor Dumbledore?" he started, internally wincing at how scratched and broken his voice sounded. 

"Remus, please, you can call me Albus," the elderly man smiled. "May I come in?" The werewolf nodded, stepping out of the way so Dumbledore could step through. 

Dumbledore guided himself into the living room and sat across from Remus's favorite chair – _Sirius's chair_. Remus followed. 

"Can I fix you a cup of-" Remus was cut off as Dumbledore flicked his wand, causing two cups of tea to appear on the coffee table between the chairs. "Um…never mind, then." Remus sat down, lifting up his new cup and taking a small sip. "Is there anything you wish to talk about, Pro…Albus?" 

"Not in particular. Just wanted to see how you were keeping," he answered, a twinkle in his eyes. "I haven't been here in a while. You seem to be doing well." 

"Thank you, sir." 

"But I notice how you still have Sirius's things in place. I would have thought you would have packed them by now." Dumbledore's voice took on a serious note as he peered over his half-moon spectacles to study the young werewolf. Remus put his cup down harder then he intended, but did not immediately speak. 

"I…can't bring myself to put them in storage yet," he managed to whisper, cursing himself for sounding so weak. Now Dumbledore would start questioning him, he knew it…. 

The greatest wizard in a century remained silent for a long time, sipping at his tea and appearing to be deep in thought. Finally he spoke, his sudden change in topic taking Remus completely off-guard. 

"James stated in his last will and testament that if anything were to happen to him and Lily, Sirius was to take guardianship over Harry, followed by Peter, then the Dursley's. Why do you think he didn't put you as a guardian?" 

"Because," Remus said bitterly yet matter-of-factly, "according to one of those werewolf restriction laws the Ministry came up with during Millicent Bagnold's time in office, werewolves are not allowed to have children under the age of eleven in their custody, and even then the child must be a wizard in school – no Muggles, no Squibs." He sighed nearly inaudibly. "James probably wasn't thinking of Harry's life as a preteen when he wrote his will." 

"Yes," Dumbledore said, "that idiotic law did stay James's hand fourteen years ago. However, Lily had been thinking of Harry's entire life when she wrote _this_." He pulled from a pocket in his deep violet robes a note addressed to Moony. Remus took the note from him and silently read Lily's graceful, curly handwriting, something he hadn't seen in over a decade: 

**_Moony, _**

**_Today, James, Harry, and myself are going into hiding. We can't tell you where we are going, nor can we see you again until the threat of Voldemort has passed. However, I have a feeling of deep dread in my heart, and I honestly believe that James and I will not live through this ordeal. I read over James's will, which said the order of custody he wishes for Harry, and I couldn't help but notice that you, possibly the most mature and fit to be a father out of the Marauders, were not listed. I know why – Werewolf Restriction Decree #23 – but after rereading the law, I noticed two loopholes. One, if the werewolf is a wizard, then wizard laws apply to said werewolf, and two, if someone names a werewolf guardian over their children in their final will and testament, then they receive custody. So, consider this an amendment to James and Lillian Potter's Final Will and Testament:_ **

_****__Love Forever, _

**_Tigerlily _**

_And I'll tell myself, I don't need you _

_I'll tell myself enough to get through…_

Remus sat there speechless, tracing his finger over Lily's handwriting, tears filling his golden-amber eyes, making it difficult to read. His finger made contact with Sirius's name, and a shiver ran through his body. "Albus, are you suggesting…?" 

"Of course, you can't take him immediately after school's over, but after about two weeks at the Dursley's, Harry can come to your flat for the rest of break. That is the reason I came to see you. You'll be saying yes, I can tell, so I really must be-" 

"No," Remus whispered, stopping Dumbledore in his tracks. "I can't take him." 

"…What?" Dumbledore questioned gently. 

"Sirius was his guardian. Sirius was the father he never had, and I'm not going to attempt to fill that position. Besides," a tear finally rolled down his pale face, "how can I possibly watch over a 16-year-old boy in mourning when _I_ can't get over what happened?" 

"Remus…we can get you through this, but Harry needs you. He needs someone who is feeling the same pain he is, someone who can sympathize-" 

"Don't you GET it, Albus?" Remus finally exploded, flying to his feet and knocking over the coffee table in the process. Dumbledore didn't bat an eye. "I _CAN'T_ watch over him! I need time to mourn as well, and it's difficult to get over someone when you're busy comforting someone else!" 

"You and Harry can help heal each other-" 

"No, we CAN'T! I _loved_ Sirius in a way that Harry cannot comprehend! How can we heal each other when I can barely _breathe_ without screaming Sirius's name?!? Dear God, Sirius was my heart, and when he fell, when he fell and never came through the other side…" Remus paused, breathless, tears pouring down his face, tears that Sirius would have kissed away if he had been there. Dumbledore watched him sadly, yet attentively as memories of a similar outburst at the end of term came to mind. 

"My heart was gone with him." 

_"You feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it,"_ Dumbledore said calmly, reflecting on what he said to Harry in June after Sirius's fall. _"I know how you are feeling."_

"No you don't!" _"No, you don't."_ "This hurts more than anything you can possibly imagine, you foolish, stupid old man! You could save everyone else, so why couldn't you save him? God, why couldn't _I_ save him?!? I just watched him fall, I could have stopped him, but no, he had to fall because the stupid wolf couldn't save his own damn lover!" 

"You are not the wolf, Remus. The pain you are feeling, the pain and guilt of loosing Sirius is _part of being human_ –" 

_"THEN – I – DON'T – WANT – TO – BE – HUMAN!"_ Remus screamed, waving his freshly bleeding hands in the air madly. "I want to be the wolf, I want to be a ghost, I want to stop thinking of him, I want it to end, I can't _breathe_…." He suddenly stopped, eyes widening in sudden realization. 

"I…can't breathe," he gasped, staring into shining blue eyes and a calm, old –God, Dumbledore was so old – face. Dumbledore's own eyes reflected Remus's, both of them finally realizing something so stupidly obvious. 

"Remus, no –" Dumbledore begged, but it was too late. 

Remus had already Apparated away, leaving Lily's note on the floor. 

_But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day _

_If you can take a little more…_

When Remus reappeared, he was standing in front of the door leading into the Department of Mysteries. Straightening his body and attempting to ignore the blood now dripping from his hands onto the stone floor, he stepped forward and opened the door. 

Once inside, he rammed his foot in-between the door and its frame so it wouldn't shut and cause the room to spin madly in front of him. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out one of the two pictures he constantly carried with him – it was of Peter and James in their sixth year at Hogwarts, smiling, waving, and holding each other around the shoulders. James had let go of Peter briefly to step out of the frame, then came back with a younger version of Remus just after full moon, looking terrible and trying to hide it as usual. The real him nearly smiled, but then thought how, only a few years after this picture was taken, Peter betrayed them all, James died, Sirius (who had taken the picture) was thrown into Azkaban an innocent man, and he, Remus, was left to live a sad existence as the last Marauder standing. He crumbled the picture up in his hand and shoved it where his foot had been. 

He then proceeded through the door to his left, and walked into a room filled with rows and rows of seats magically floating in the air. They were all facing in one direction, towards the center of the room, which was empty except for a dais. 

And on this dais was an archway with a curtain. Remus walked down the stairs, then proceeded to the dais and hopped up so he was facing the curtain. He could he whispers coming from behind it, but when he circled the archway, he saw no one on the other side, not that he was expecting to. Going back to what he assumed was the front of the archway, he cleared his throat and called out. 

"Sirius?" 

The voices silenced themselves almost immediately. Remus took this as a good sign and went on. 

"Sirius, this is Moony. Remus, remember? I just came by to talk." He knelt in front of the now silent curtain and pulled out the second picture in his pocket. It was of him and Sirius just last year, about two weeks before they entered this room. It was taken after the full moon again, so Remus looked unnaturally pale and weak, with deep shadows under his eyes. Sirius was sitting next to him, holding him close while Remus dozed lightly on his shoulder. The ex-convict smiled gently, and then kissed him on top of his head. The real Remus breathed deeply, then pressed on. 

"I just came back from a mission that went terribly wrong. I had been captured by Death Eaters, but don't worry; after the fourth day Kingsley and Bill found me. Dumbledore came by to visit and see how I was doing, and he made me realized something. I…can't live without you. 

"Did you know that Lily gave me custody of Harry if anything were to happen to you and Peter? Of course, I declined, but I thought you should know. You were Harry's guardian; I could never fill that place." A tear slowly dripped down his face, but he ignored it. 

"God, Sirius, I miss you. I miss your hair, your eyes, your hands, your smile…I even miss how you rubbed your unshaved face against mine just to get on my last nerves," Remus smiled slightly as he was speaking, but he could still tell his voice was starting to break. He just hoped Sirius didn't notice. 

"So, I've finally decided that something has to be done about this hollow place in my heart. Padfoot, Sirius, love, I need you." 

_This feels like the place between being ready and being in the way _

_And I'll tell myself I don't need you _

_I'll tell myself enough to get me through…_

Remus sat there for a while longer, silently crying. Sometimes, he could feel a hand gently graze his shoulder, but when he reached up to touch it, it would be gone. If it had been there at all. 

"I'm loosing my mind," he whispered, clutching at the picture in his hand, tears fall onto it. The Sirius in the picture looked up at him, then back down at the Remus on his shoulder, and understood who had the picture of him. He seemed to mouth _I'm sorry_, but Remus couldn't be sure. 

He then stood up and faced the curtain, and ran his finger down it slowly, lovingly, and he could hear a sudden burst of whispers that disappeared again almost instantly. If Remus closed his eyes, he could almost imagine that the velvet curtain was Sirius, and that he was tracing his eyelid, face, lips, jaw line, neck… 

"Do you want me again, Sirius? Because I'm ready now," he exhaled. One low whisper escaped from the curtain, deep and full with the pain of the ages, but it sounded so far away that Remus couldn't make out what it said. He hoped that wasn't Sirius that seemed so far gone. 

He turned around slowly so his back faced the curtain and he could see the large, dark room stretched out before him. Echoes of the battle last June flitted before his eyes, changing every time he blinked, each fading into dull colors and lost sounds. There was the prophecy shattering on the floor, but it was gone and replaced by Tonks crashing down the stairs and Bellatrix – a surge of hatred spread through his body like a wildfire when he saw her – standing triumphantly above her, but soon that image faded and morphed into Sirius standing exactly in the same spot he was, daring his cousin to _do better than that_ and not realizing that would be the last thing he ever said. 

The door to the room suddenly burst open, revealing Dumbledore, for once looking like he was about to break instead of constantly remaining calm, and Remus almost enjoyed seeing the damned old man looking so terrified. His golden-amber eyes met Dumbledore's sky blue ones, and both sparkled with fresh tears. 

"I'm ready now," Remus said again, then closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall backwards in a graceful arch, attempting to ignore Dumbledore's shouting and pointless wand waving. 

And before the darkness finally took him over for good, he heard a wail of grief and agony that faded to nothing more than a whisper of a fallen man behind the veil. 

_I need you now, I need you now, I need you know, _

_I'm ready now…_


End file.
